Freak show

I went to see the documentary, I Think We're Alone Now, last night at the film festival and holy shit it was incredible.

It follows Jeff Deane and Kelly McCormick who both stalk 80's pop icon Tiffany.

Deane suffers from Aspergers and therefore naturally lacks in social skills so you do feel a little harsh at times but you soon get over it as the dude is pure comedy gold. He's built a pyramid thing in his lounge which he connects with cords to a converted bike helmet (pictured) which has crystals on it to communicate with Tiffany... hmmm. Tiffany's Playboy shoot was also a personal message to Deane that she loves him.

He insists that he and Tiffany are in love with each other and that they have a strong friendship... yeah that and a restraining order after he once tried to 'gift' her a samurai sword.

In the end though he admitted that his relationship with Tiffany wouldn't work and turned his attention to Alyssa Milano after he realised that Milano had been travelling back in time to sabotage his relationships so they could one day be together.

McCormick takes it to a whole other level though. A hermaphrodite, McCormick has done her (apparently you can take your pick) hair loosely like Tiffany and has pictures of her on every wall - including the kitchen cupboards. You couldn't help but cringe at the poster she had on her wall of two women kissing with the labels on each saying 'Kelly' and 'Tiffany' egrhh but her running demonstration alone was almost worth the price of admission.

John and Bryan doing a Maister

An oldie but a goodie - John Clarke and Bryan Dawes

Thank you for choking

Barry Maister from the NZ Olympic Committee is in the wrong industry!

Just look at this beautiful bit of spin he fed to the Dominion today to allay the NZ athletes fears about the pollution in Beijing -

However, Maister said the pollution in the Chinese capital was not as bad as a smoggy night in Christchurch.
"I have run in Beijing and, while it looks yucky, it's not like the pollution in Christchurch, which makes your clothes smell. It's almost like fog, rather than pollution."

Imagine the money he could make working in the tobacco or weapons industry with lines like that!

Its fog not pollution - duh
.

More office politics

Election result margins

I thought I would put some historical perspective on the recent run of political polls. Labour's roughly somewhere between 15 and 20 points behind at the moment with National looking like they will govern alone.

So here are the results by total vote percentage for Labour and National at all the big landslides since the first Labour Government took office in 1935.

1935 - 9.2 per cent gap - Labour 46.1 National 32.9 (United and Reform combined)
1938 - 15.5 per cent gap - Labour 55.8 National 40.3
1951 - 8.2 per cent gap - Labour 45.8 National 54.0
1972 - 6.9 per cent gap - Labour 48.4 National 41.5
1975 - 8 per cent gap - Labour 39.6 National 47.6
1984 - 7.1 per cent gap - Labour 43.0 National 35.9
1990 - 12.7 per cent gap - Labour 35.1 National 47.8
1996 - 5.1 per cent gap - Labour 28.2 National 33.8
1999 - 8.2 per cent gap - Labour 38.7 National 30.5
2002 - 20.4 per cent gap - Labour 41.3 National 20.9

So the two biggest ever election margins between the two major parties were the second term wins for the first and fifth (current) Labour government's - 15.5 per cent in 1938 and 20.4 per cent in 2002. National's biggest ever win over Labour was in 1990 - a victory by 12.7 per cent. You will also note Labour has never gone below 28 per cent at an election. It really puts National's 2002 performance under Bill English into perspective huh?

It remains to be seen whether the current polling numbers will hold - but even with the gap closing slightly in three of the four most recent polls, Labour is looking down the barrel at a record margin. That's not tidy.

Tips for looking busy when you're not

Productivity - schmoductivity.

1. Complain constantly about the 'truckload of work' you have on or act exasperated when tasked (as though you're so busy you just don't know how much more you can handle)

2. Always carry a piece of paper, walk fast and look pissed off (people assume you're going somewhere to deal with something 'big')

3. Never tidy your desk - people assume a clear desk = not busy.

4. Email your friends and family - for all anyone knows you could be emailing someone about work.

5. If your screen isn't easily visible you can chat using apps like msn or Google Talk - people will assume you're typing something proper - hell why not start a blog? But remember to turn your sound down - everyone will recognise the message alert sounds. Also have lots of web browser windows open to provide camouflage for the chat windows.

6. If you wear glasses, get an old pair take off for a long lunch or coffee and leave the glasses on your keyboard - people will think you're 'around'. Leaving a suit jacket on the back of your chair is also a good idea.

7. Get involved and attend meetings - no better way to waste time than to talk about stuff - but not too involved. Be warned, this is a tightrope - the last thing you want is to be given work (See number 1 to avoid getting tasked). One tactic is to suggest things that clearly fall into someone else's area - so they get tasked while you look good for contributing solutions!

8. Email or leave voice mail for your boss and colleagues after 10pm - along the lines of "just had a thought on..." or "I've just been reading your paper on..."

9. Practice sleeping sitting up at home so you can sleep at your desk - you need to perfect this though - watch out for head slumping and drool. Wear headphones too - people will assume you're not responding because you can't hear over the music you're supposedly listening to. Be warned though - this only works if you have your back to your colleagues.

10. Complain about the state of the organisation and talk about what 'should' be happening if only the 'bosses' would listen. By doing this your colleagues will assume you're engaged and give a shit.

Too easy!

Be Kind Rewind

Just got back from Michel Gondry's (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) new film - Be Kind Rewind as part of the Film Festival.

Its the story of a video store where all the tapes get deleted so Mos Def and Jack Black's characters (Mike and Jessy) re-enact or 'swede' all the videos. It's like somewhere between Clerks and Hercules Returns. Like the latter its a bit slow to kick off but once they're into making the movies its an absolute crack up.

Their remakes of Ghostbusters and Robocop were hillarious as was Jack Black doing Jackie Chan in Rush Hour 2 but my favourite had to be 2001 A Space Odyssey when they re-did the circular space walk bit. You will get the idea from the trailer below. I wouldn't say its the greatest comedy but definitely a laugh and if you were into Hercules Returns, you will probably dig this.

Also if you haven't seen Hercules Returns there is a clip below (Testiculi and Labia flirting) - its a classic Aussie film



Hercules Returns Clip

Ok so it rules

Went to see the Dark Knight tonight - opening night of course - and it ruled.

Admittedly I had high expectations after Batman Begins and it definitely delivered. Ledger is outstanding as the Joker - doing the whole dark madness thing while still channelling the camp humourous elements of the comic book character. I love the way it didnt really try to give the Joker a back story or to explain him and how he continually chopped and changed the story of how his appearance developed.

The gadgets are awesome again - especially the new Bat-bike whatsit and the stunts Batman pulls off with it.

SPOILER AHEAD

What really grabbed me though was Harvey Dent. I had assumed that his transformation to Two Face would happen towards the end setting it up nicely for a third film. But no no - Two Face dominates the last act and his wince inducing appearance is just incredible and really does take this out of kids film territory.

So check it out - and if you're in Wellington, do what we did and buy your Reading tickets online and print them out!

The Questions

Sometimes you need to ask the big questions -

Why are the stairs at the back of the BNZ foodcourt so steep?

How do they get toothpaste to come out with the nice perfect stripes when its all mushed in there?

Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?

What is Meatloaf talking about when he said he 'would do anything for love, but I won't do that'?

Shouldn't you be doing some work?

What has happened to the Home and Away omnibus?? I had to flick between Agenda and Shortland St the other day - what the fuck is that about?

To make up for it - Frezned and co lip syncing the theme song

Comings and Goings

The Film Festival has finally kicked off and I went and saw The Hollow Men yesterday. Quite a good watch although it doesn't really add anything to the book. It was quite good to put names to faces though - I had no idea what Bryan Sinclair looked like - but some of the footage was odd to say the least - seemingly intrusive long camera lenses arent desirable (like Peter Keenan in his own home opening curtains and reading the paper etc).

Next up is Bigger Stronger Faster on Wednesday and then the King of Kong on Sunday - two dinners are meaning Im missing Diary of the Dead and Gonzo... argh

This article was a bit strange - wonder if it means I can get an iPhone?

The 20 Male Poses of Facebook

I have to say I'm guilty of some of these poses myself.

So so accurate - 2 bird, 1 blog has examples of the 20 poses guys use in their pics on the Facebook.

These include the "Just Hanging with my Bros" shot, the "high contrast photoshop" shot, "the wacky fun guy" shot. the "throwin a hand signal" shot and my favourite - the webcam or "future paedofile of America shot".

So funny - check it out here.

Peak Cyrus Crisis

The Institute for Sustainable Cyrus Use are calling it the "worst entertainment crisis humanity has faced".

Death Cab for Easy

I had heard good things about Death Cab for Cutie, especially since the release of their latest album, Narrow Stairs - all the cool kids seem to be listening to them. So when I saw a cheap copy in Real Groovy I grabbed it.

They've been around for a while but I had never really listened to them and bought this on the basis of a 30 second glance at a You Choob clip.

I have to say I was a little underwhelmed. I hate to say it, but it wasn't nearly as challenging or alternative as I was anticipating - in fact it wasn't at all. Narrow Stairs is just a little easy.

Sure, there are some good tracks - No Sunlight, Bixby Canyon Bridge and Grapevine Fires for example - but then there are other yawn inducing songs like Talking Bird which reminded me of fucking Coldplay.

So on the whole, I just found it a little bland - but if you're fan of easy listening dirge like Chris Martin, you may well find this 'edgy'.

The blues are still blue

Right, here it is your annual anniversary week Top 20. Ok so last year was a top 50, but this is more manageable - mind you in hindsight I suppose a top 28 may have made more sense.

20. Pulp, Common People
19. The Flaming Lips, Do You Realise?
18. The Beatles, Blackbird
17. Radiohead, Street Spirit (Fade Out)
16. The Smiths, How Soon is Now
15. Marvin Gaye, Lets Get it On
14. Sonic Youth, The Diamond Sea
13. Oasis, Live Forever
12. Nirvana, All Apologies
11. Radiohead, Creep

10. The Byrds, The Ballad of Easy Rider
9. Badly Drawn Boy, A Minor Incident
8. Oasis, Cigarettes and Alcohol
7. Marvin Gaye, What's Goin On
6. The Beatles, Two of Us
5. The Byrds, Eight Miles High
4. Aimee Mann, Wise Up
3. Radiohead, Pyramid Song
2. Nirvana, Smells Like Teen Spirit
1. Oasis, Supersonic

A glass and a half... at the Vic?

Yes I am moderately embarrassed that I know what the Vic is.

Anti Piracy

Video below from the IT Crowd taking the piss out of those anti video piracy ads.

It reminds of a joke I heard - those ads say 'you wouldn't steal a car' and no I wouldn't. But if I had a friend who had a car, and had the ability to make an exact copy of that car for free - I'm not gonna say no am I?

Enjoy

Post mortem

This is probably one for the weekend. Late last year the Liberal Party was of course smashed by a revitalised (if a little vacuous) Labor and in February this year the ABC's Four Corners show did a fantastic behind the scenes look at the final days of the Howard Government, aptly named Howard's End.

It featured in-depth interviews with all the key players - Costello, Downer, Hockey, Abbott, McLaughlan, Minchin and others. For political junkies this sort of honest assessment (albeit in hindsight) of the fall of one of the more powerful governments is nirvana. It covers everything from Howard's leadership, Costello's desires for the leadership, policy disasters (work choices, not signing Kyoto) and how everyone knows better.... now.

It's definitely worth a look, below is part one and below that are links to the other four parts. The official site is here and it feature the full length interviews



Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five

I'll finish on a lighter note - that famous apology to the Aboriginal people by 'John Howard' in the lead up to the Sydney Olympics on The Games.
After watching the video -
Gina Riley: What do you think?
John Clarke: It's not the prime minister.
Gina Riley: He didn't say he was. He said he was John Howard speaking to you from Sydney, Australia.
John Clarke: That's John Howard, the actor.
Gina Riley: That's John Howard.
John Clarke: Everyone knows that's not the prime minister, don't they?
Gina Riley: Everyone in Australia knows that, but this is going overseas.
Enjoy

Some TV

Recently I have discovered a couple of new TV shows, which aren't even on the telly here (nobody says telly anymore do they?).

First up is Morel Orel from Adult Swim - like the other Adult Swim cartoons such as Harvey Birdman and Sealab 2051 its fantastic. Its old school stop motion annimation and follows Orel, a Christian kid growing up in Moralton, Statesota, as he learns moral lessons based on the other Commandments.

These include:
11. Thou shalt be ashamed of thy natural anatomy.
12. Thou shalt only have sex face-to-face, man on top.
13. Thou shalt not bastardize the American language.
14. Thou shalt always clean thy plate and not waste anything, whether thy stomach is full or not.

The Church sign is also great - has a different message each week, such as
Yes kids, we lied about Santa, but Jesus is real
Jesus died for your sins and had long hair so that you wouldn't.
All aboard the Censorship
The Holy Ghost: spooky or just a third wheel?

Along the way he becomes a junkie, masturbates over the neighbourhood women (mustn't waste it after all). If you can't download it the DVD is around and its worth checking out.

The other show I've been checking out is The Thick Of It - I hadn't heard of it but got lent a copy of the DVD. I was told its like a cross between The Office and Yes Minister - how could you possibly fail with that combination? But I think its more like a cross between Yes Minister and the excellent Australian current affairs show piss take, Frontline. The Thick Of It was created by Armando Ianucci, who produced and directed both Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge and of course I'm Alan Partridge.

It follows the UK Minister of Social Affairs, who cocks up almost every announcement only to be torn to shreds by Malcolm Tucker, the PM's shit-kicker/policy enforcer/H2. Its basically a political version of those painfully funny mockumentaries and definitely worth checking out.

100 bucks

Another outstanding performance from the Hobson St Posse tonight - first place in the Shepherd's Arms Quiz with a commanding seven point lead over second place in the end. The combination of politics, tv and cinema, music and sports rounds meant we were unstoppable!

in the process we also smashed our nemesis - Behind the Fridge (with members from a certain art gallery).

So we banked $75 bar tab for coming first and another $25 for getting the ponderous puzzle on the first clue (they give you a clue each round). This takes our total for the year well over $500 bar tab - very nice.

I'm not sick, but I'm not well

1. Vamos Rafa! What a game that was - finally Nadal beat Federer in a grand slam that wasn't in Paris. It was so enthralling that I actually missed the bus. Outside of Wii im normally not much of a tennis fan, but I have this odd thing where I always watch the Australian Open, Roland Garros and Wimbledon (dont care for the US Open).

2. More babies on the way - its the latest craze it seems.

3. Skins is back with a vengeance on C4 - its like This Life, but not cancelled after one season! Maxxie's school musical with the stalker was hilarious - Osama: The Musical.

4. Given lip syncing is all the rage, I thought I'd share this great one with you.

Office etiquette

And I thought my last employer was unreasonable...



Clip from Big Train

Shake your money maker

Got some odd looks in the office yesterday. One of my colleagues told me he is learning to play the seminal Black Crowe's track - She Talks to Angels - on his new axe (apparently you tune it funny to get the sound on the strum). So what else were we do than crack into it there and then? Fair to say we didn't get far beyond the "She never mentions the word addiction..." opening.

But anyway this caused me to do what is quickly becoming an annual event - re-listening to Shake Your Money Maker. When that album was released in 1990, Melody Maker called the Black Crowe's the most 'rock n roll' rock n roll band in the world today. I don't think they ever scaled those heights again and were quickly swamped by the Seattle/grunge invasion by Nirvana, Soundgarden and Pearl Jam - but still, in their day they rocked. Below is video of their kick ass cover of Otis Reading's Hard to Handle.

Hey little thing let me light your candle
cause mama I'm sure hard to handle now, yes I am.

Perspective

The video below was filmed by Vanity Fair for their August 08 edition. VF editor Graydon Carter challenged Christopher Hitchens to submit to waterboarding - the torture tactic apparently used by the US military and CIA at Guatanamo to 'simulate' drowning. His reaction is telling. I really suggest you watch it.



Hat tip to the Spare Room who had a link to this.

Painful media moments

First off, I think we all agree that the situation at Tiaho Primary School, with its flooding playground and sewerage over flows, is awful and should be fixed up. But that's not what this is about, oh no, this is about the painful example of how not to front the media this has provided.

On Close Up the other night, the aptly named Paul Burke stepped up for the Ministry of Education, before totally losing it. He started off solid enough, but when it became clear he was reading a prepared speech (most of which was never going to wash), it all began to go awry. So much so, that he actually ended up sitting there like a deer in headlights not saying anything - you couldn't help but cringe as he totally blew out on national TV. Now of course, the host that evening was the detestable Mr Hair and lip pout, but still, he wasn't being that brutal - my initial reaction was - OMG! what is he doing? just say something - anything!

Well anything other than "mrrrgghh neh". Here's a little transcript of the final (absolute media gold) part of the interview.

HOSKING (Host): Is this the worst school in the country by the way?
BURKE (Min of Ed): I haven't visited every school, but it is unusual to take this long.
HOSKING: Have you visited this one?
BURKE: No I haven't.
HOSKING: Might have paid you to go up the road and have a wee look? Walk through some of the sewerage? Climb the ladder with some blu-tack? Maybe?
BURKE: (Stares at camera in silence for what seems like an eternity in TV time)
HOSKING: No?
BURKE: mrrrgghh neh
HOSKING: Ok thanks for your time. That was Paul Burke, National Property Manager at the Ministry of Education.

You can just imagine the director in the control room latching on to the scent of blood - saying something like "he's losing it - keep that camera on him! Stay on him! Stay on him!". LOL.

We all sat around watching it over and over late today - and we started coming up with ideas for what he should have said - one of my colleagues suggested screaming 'banana', my idea was to make like John Clarke in the Games and reach for the ear piece (even if you don't have one) and pretend you couldn't hear what he said - "sorry? what was that?"

You can watch the full Close Up clip here - but unless you're really interested, I suggest you just skip to the last couple of minutes (its 10 mins long), when it goes pear shaped.

Ok so yeah you do feel sorry for him - but shit there is nothing funnier than TV going bad!

This rubbish has to stop

Is anyone else getting sick of all the Dark Knight/Heath Ledger rubbish the media have been peddling? The suggestion that his death had something to do with any film role is ridiculous.

The other day we had John Campbell doing his doomsday-deep-voice thing talking about Ledger's 'dark' portrayal of the Joker - insinuating that he was 'troubled'.... and therefore probably suicidal!?!?! Then we had the laughable articles on Stuff about how dark and frightening the role was - as well as todays gem (republished from the Sydney Morning Herald) with this genius quote - Much has been made of [Ledger's] difficulty in coming to terms with darkness of The Joker's character.

This is cynical media bollocks at its best. He died of an accidental overdose. By definition that means he didn't set out to kill himself - IT WASN'T SUICIDE. I don't care how dark his final film role was - he died as a result of a tragic accident and it just makes me sick how our daft media are trying push the line that a fuckin super hero film somehow pushed him over the edge.

Into the Wild bollocks

WARNING CONTAINS SPOILERS - I just watched Into the Wild - the true story of Chris McCandless, who upon graduating from University gave away his savings and went on an adventure - living wild.

Basically he was pissed with his parents and was determined to show he wasn't as preoccupied with money and possessions etc etc as they were and that he wasn't having a bar of their dysfunctional relationship. Now while you can admire the idea and spirit behind his actions - I think he was fundamentally selfish and incredibly irresponsible.

Sure he was making a point against his parents - but really would it have been so bad to at least call his sister to ease their worry? For two and a half years their son was missing - they had no idea where he was - or if he was safe or even alive.

After two years wandering around America he headed up to Alaska to live in the harsh wilderness. Now he had no experience in hunting and was totally unprepared - he even turned down a map and compass FFS! Given his lack of hunting skill he was only able to catch small game like birds etc (he did kill a moose - but had no clue how to preserve the meat) and slowly but surely he brought himself closer to death through malnutrition.

After 5 or so months in the wilderness he realised he was fucked, and tried to get out but the river he crossed on the way in had risen - so he couldn't get out. The stupidest thing is that if he had taken the proper map - he would have known there was a hand operated tramway crossing 400m downstream!

The movie also suggests that the berries he ate were toxic - but apparently his autopsy showed no signs of poison - he just plain starved.

He could have walked out - but instead he died of starvation. Apparently his body weighed only 67 pounds - 30 kilos roughly.

Naturally he has become something of a hero to fellow wanderers and apparently since this film came out people have been making the pilgrimage to the abandoned bus that McCandless lived and died in at Denali National Park in Alaska.

For my mind there is probably something to the speculation that he had some sort of mental illness (bipolar? Schizophrenia?) because he basically created a situation that would inevitably lead to his death - which you could even argue was suicide. Or he was just an arrogant little upstart who ultimately paid the price for his irresponsible actions.

Either way I don't think he should be held up as some sort of hero - sure his sentiments may have been worthy, but the way he went about it was plain dumb.