Never thought id hear that

This happened a couple of days ago now, so its more quote-of-the-week than of the day, but anyway. This is what one of my colleagues said to me the other day - their words say it all.....

"Oh guess what, guess what.... This is soooo funny! I just have to tell you! I had a 'There's Something About Mary' moment this morning!"

Isn't that just lovely.

10 Crap Places

Ive just been reading a guide to the 50 Most Crap Places in Britain. Number 1 is Hull, Liverpool came in at 6. I thought it would make for a great tour of the UK to travel around the top 10 or 20, but it also got me thinking - what are the 10 crapest places in New Zealand.

So here goes, Ive only included places Ive been to and spent time in rather than places I just passed through

10. Wanganui (Shit hole, who would live in this god awful dump? The mayor is Michael Laws...)
9. Timaru (this was a close call with Greymouth, but even that has something to do - Timaru is the Hamilton of the south).
8. Invercargill (The best bit of Invercargill is the air bridge at the airport - they dont need it as only small planes go there!! Obviously such hope for the future? Cold wet and poos).
7. Masterton (not even its close proximity to Greytown and Martinborough can save it - smells like cabbage, ugly rural people).
6. Levin (to be fair if anyone else was making the list - it would be lower. It is kind of getting better - but its all relative. What the fuck is that statue of a chinese market gardner? Would anyone notice if they just didnt bother and closed for a few weeks?).
5. Whangarei (always fucking raining - apalling mess of a town filled with yokels)
4. Palmerston North (Just try to find something to do - only the windmills keep it from a lower ranking - used to have nice tree lined avenues....... they chopped those down).
3. Christchurch (why? why does it exist? Wellington has government depts and quangos, Auckland has business..... Christchurch has...........?)
2. Whakatane (absolute low point of 2005 was a whole day in this shit hole, made worse by the airport being a glorified skyline garage. You spend all your time willing White Island to erupt and end the pain.)
1. Hamilton (just try navigating this bollocks - it feels like its the size of Western Australia and there is litterally nothing there that you couldnt do elsewhere the epitome of the shit hole. A huge complex network of nothingness ).

Close - Auckland (proving that a million people can be wrong), Gisborne (as depressing as Whangarei), Hutt Valley (the lighthouse and Dowse save it), Stratford (Levin of the West), Foxton (the "fox-town of NZ"... if thats the best you've got...) .

Others that I just know are shit - but I havent been there or have just passed through; Gore, Dargaville, Te Awamutu, and Kaitaia.

How about them All Blacks eh?

Rugby's always a good topic when you're wanting to avoid other things isn't it?

So I thought I would look ahead to the World Cup and predict some upsets etc.

Pool A - in theory England and South Africa should finish on top, but I have a feeling Samoa could throw the proverbial cat amongst the pidgeons by beating England.

Poll B - Australia and Wales should qualify for the quarters, but who finishes first could be interesting - on current form my money would be on Wales.

Pool C - New Zealand will win easily. But Scotland v Italy could be interesting, historically you would have to back the Scots, but Italy did beat them earlier this year.

Pool D - The closest pool, and a pool that could fuck everything up properly for the hosts. France, Argentina and Ireland. On paper you would say Ireland and France, but bear in mind Argentina are ranked ahead of England now, and have beaten both teams in the last year. Could very well be any combination of the three. One of the three should have been in Pool C.

So say Italy qualify from C, England get up against Samoa, Wales beat Australia and Ireland and France go 1 and 2 in D the quarter finals will be...

Wales v England (or Samoa)
New Zealand v France
South Africa v Australia
Ireland v Italy

Lets say England keep it up and stumble to victory over Wales. NZ should beat France, South Africa should win, as should Ireland so it will be

England v New Zealand
South Africa v Ireland

So in theory a New Zealand v South Africa final. Which are the best teams at the moment. Simple.

I guess this also shows the potential implications for losses by Australia and England in the early rounds as that will determine who NZ plays later on (assuming we keep winning).

Business time

HBO have put video of the first episode of the Flight of the Conchords new show up on their site - doesnt air in the states till June 17, and god knows when here.

HBO Conchords site here

In the meantime das robots

One for the geeks

Let's fuck it up some more!

Jesus, God, No.

George Lucas has apparently hinted that there is going to another Star Wars film. There was a time when this would have been greeted with great excitement - more additions to the holy trilogy, but not since Jar Jar, Lucas and Anakin went about destroying my memories.

Anyway its going to be another prequel, this time telling the story of how the Jedi over came the Sith originally. Now on paper for Star Wars fans like myself that does sound mouth watering, however given that we have the knowledge that 90 per cent of the film will be cartoonish CGI, I expect it will be rubbish.

What is with Lucas - youre involved with two of the greatest trilogies of all time (Indy being the other one) why return years later to fuck them up? (Indy 4 is currently shooting).

What a shock!

Remember when these things didnt seem quite so contrived? Maybe Im getting a little more cynical as I get older, but Im sure there used to be a little more class to things like this.

Its the week after the "bold" budget and surprise surprise the Police announce that they are going to try and charge Taito Phillip Field with bribery. Now don't get me wrong, the media speculation suggests he's as guilty as sin but still, the timing does look a tad convenient.

At the very least this clears the way for Labour's new candidate in Mangere - running a campaign against Field could have got ugly and wasted a lot of resources. Most people think that Manukau City Councillor, Sua William Sio, will be said candidate and when Ive heard him speaking on radio he has sounded pretty good and by all accounts he has quite a following in the Samoan community.

I only hope we get to actually have a by-election as I think that could be just the kick up the ass thats needed.

Hey Mr Tamborine Man

Rock the casbah! Bob Dylan is coming to Wellington on August 10 this year, also playing gigs in Auckland and Chch.

Question has to be asked - why do only old men come to town these days?

Bowie, Stones, Elton.... now Dylan. I only hope Macca doesnt come - I would have to go but im not sure I could sit through two hours of his solo bollocks (although yes granted his last album was pretty good).

Scratch that

David Bain Day 08 is on hold!

Just read a pretty compelling post on good ol' KiwiBlog based on the comment someone named "Dave" posted on the site about David Bain.

As I feared, things may not be as simple as Karam would have us believe. Here's some key points

1. Why did Stephen (who put up a strong fight with his killer) have fibres from David's jersey under his finger nails?

2. Robin (Father) had a full bladder after sleeping all night - why not take a piss before your murderous rampage? Or more to the point there was a time lapse between the mother and three children being shot and Robin being shot - why not piss then, you would be busting?

3. David's bloody finger prints were found throughout the house on light switches and on the bo of detergent in the laundry, where David supposedly just washed his paper round clothes when he got back - why the blood then? Was it something like "Oh look my family's all dead, best get out of these clothes with newspaper marks on them"? hmmm.

4. David's gloves were used by the killer and found on the floor in Stephen's room. Why use gloves if you're going to kill yourself? And if you're big on gloves - why not use your own?

5. David's clothes including underwear were soaked in blood, apparently consistent with splatter from close range shootings. The only blood on Robin was his head wound.

6. Robin was shot through the top of the head. While this is possible as a method, why not take the easy option and shoot up through roof of the mouth? Being shot down through the head while kneeling is consistent with David shooting while he prayed (as he did everyday on his knees).

7. The gun was smeared after being wiped down, the only print on it was an old hunting print of David's. Why wipe the gun down if you're going to shoot yourself? And how do you wipe the gun down after you've shot yourself in the head?

Now im sure Karam could hit back with half a dozen things, but this does at least answer how the Police arrived at their charges, and does raise a load of questions.

He has served 13 years, and from memory was eligible for parole soon anyway, but this does make you think that maybe a new trial could be worth pursuing to decide once and for all.

Front row baby

With all the Bain stuff and todays budget I forgot to talk about Dylan Moran.

I went along to Dylan Moran's stand up show at the St James on Tuesday night. For those who don't know him by name, Moran is 'Bernard' from the excellent BBC series Black Books.

It turns out Bernard isnt so much a character, but rather he is Moran - which made for a very funny evening.

I particularly liked his bit about quiting his job like a toddler would saying - "Im quiting because I hate you, and I I I hate your stapler and stuff" while kind of waving a stuffed toy elephant behind your back awkwardly.

Also his bit about Invercargill - "There's nothing there! Even the cows are queueing up to throw themselves off the cliff that isnt even there!"

But the kickest arseist bit had to be our seats - front row centre! He was litterally like 2 metres from us. Fantastic.

Bain of our lives

Was anyone else surprised how normal David Bain looked following his release on bail yesterday? Where was the knitwear??

As shallow as it sounds, you have to wonder why his defence team didnt allow him to appear at any of his previous hearings. I think he would have actually gained a lot of public sympathy if people thought of someone normal - rather than a funny looking 22 year old with weird jerseys and a paper round when thinking of 'David Bain'. I kind of hope now the crown let it go and dont pursue another trial.

But now we all like Bain, we shouldn't just let May 15 go by in future - somehow I think we should annually mark the day David Bain was freed. David Bain Day if you will. Next year on May 15 I urge everyone to pull out there most 'Bainest' piece of knitwear and wear it with pride!

Also another idea, why doesn't Te Kauwhata follow the great kiwi tradition of building big stupid "icons" - and build a huge David Bain jersey now its going to be his new home?? You could even make it a community event, get all the locals to each knit a square metre patch to make up the jersey! (You would have to ensure everyone did different - unmatching patterns though).

NB. The Second picture is an artists impression of what Angus or"Cosby" may look like on David Bain Day 2008.

Profiles in Courage

In the latest NewsWeek, they asked some of the leading Presidential candidates to name which President they thought displayed courage - the answers actually give some insight into the candidates.

John Edwards (D): Lyndon B. Johnson (over the Civil Rights Act)
John McCain (R): Theodore (Teddy) Roosevelt (for regulating resource barrons on Wall St)
Barack Obama (D): John F. Kennedy (over the Cuban Missile Crisis)
Rudy Giuliani (R): Ronald Reagan (for walking out of the Reykjavik Conference)
Mitt Romney (R): George H. W. Bush (for serving in WWII)

The others are all nobodies so lets not worry - no Hillary though - maybe they thought she would just say Bill over the Monica Lewinsky thing??

Anyway, interesting all the same I thought.

10 Years since a low point

August from memory is actually the NZ anniversary, but still!

10 years ago this month was the turning point for the "britpop" phenomena. Oasis released the hugely anticipated Be Here Now.

In short the album was a shambles - average song length was around 5 minutes (so very long), culminating in the incredibly average All Around the World (fuckin 10 minutes long). If nothing else the album proves that you dont need a guitar solo between every verse and chorus.

To be fair there were some classics, Do Yer Know What I Mean was a fantastic anthem, Fade In Out (with Johnny Depp on slide guitar) kicked ass, and the title track came alive when they opened their ill-fated Wellington concert with it in 1998. I've also always had a soft spot for one of the most slagged off tracks - Girl in the Dirty Shirt - not entirely sure why (bad taste?)

But the album ultimately sufferred from Oasis' arrogance and drug taking (Noel Gallagher blames cocaine for the album). Its not their worst album though, and like Q say in their Be Here Now anniversary issue, its probably the last album by Oasis that people had a strong opinion on - which is true, a lot of the later stuff im completely indifferent to.

I guess the worst thing for Oasis was that only a month later, one of the greatest albums of all time was released by Radiohead, completely pushing the boundaries and taking listeners into what could have been uncomfortable territory.... but thats another anniversary on June 16 which will be covered then!

So this May, break out your copy of Be Here Now (if you dont have one - look in the $2 bins at Real Groovy lol!) and revisit what was one of the greatest follies on 90s music.

What happens when you get old

I thought given upcoming events this weekend this was very appropriate.

Click here to see what a group of preschoolers wrote in response to the question "What happens when you get old?"

My favourite has to be "They have gray hair and wrinkles and they die". That they do!

Fair to say, Im quite glad that certain readers of this site havent worked out how to post comments.

Shit

Pretty disappointing to read that Andrew Little has decided to not stand in 2008 and look to 2011 instead.

One columnist suggested recently that rather than Shane Jones, Little could be the next Labour Prime Minister. He has all the leadership skills, is fantastic in the media, and is prepared to not always toe the party line. Goff may take over from Helen at some point, but that will only ever be an interim measure, Little is far more likely to lead Labour to victory.

Labour needs to regenerate itself, and unfortunately the only stand out new candidate that I can now think of is Grant. Phil Lewin of Positively Wellington Business (who has been talked up as a future candidate since 1999) is also not standing according to the Dom - although the way it is written as a throw away line at the end, I'm hoping they've reported that wrong.

While Grant is a great guy and will one day be Foreign Minister, there need to be others. Swain will probably stand again as a backbencher in Rimutaka as there doesn't seem to be anyone better - which of course isnt the worst result, he should still be a minister, and is far from being one of the problem backbenchers.

I can't help but think a difficult challenge just got a whole lot harder.

Predictive text

17 May is of course the 2007 Budget, and its probably the most important of the Clark Government. Why the most important?

Government's often change on the basis of a mood swing in the electorate - at some point people just 'change channel' and when that happens the gig is effectively over. Take 1999 for example, after 9 years of Tory rule, people said thats enough, we're having a change.

Now, I don't think we are quite there yet - but this Budget could be the final straw, so to speak, if it is like the 05 Budget - which lets be honest was a "bit of a let down".

So, what do I expect to be included in said budget to get the government back on the front foot?

Now I should point out - this is all based on my personal speculation, im of course not privy to any information.

Climate Change: Something small, that will be talked up as though its something substantive? Probably. There are indications that a "Cap and Trade system" for carbon emissions has cross party support - but what level is the cap set at? Hopefully Budget 2007 will tell us.

Business Tax: First up, Dunne is kidding himself if he thinks this will save his "party". Govt will cut Business tax from 33c to 30c, matching (but not bettering Australia). Hand outs for R and D will also feature according to most media.

Transport: Electrification of the Auckland Lines - finally (gauge still too thin). Regional Transport levy, local authorities will be given the authority to slap on a localised petrol tax in their area - Herald speculated this would be 10c/litre in Auckland. If this is as I suspect - left to local authorities to implement, it's a little smart arse. "We didn't increase it - your local council did".

Savings and Tax: I'm predicting this is the biggie, and Im thinking (hoping!) this will be twofold, Government will offer a 5 per cent tax cut which instead of being given back (that would be inflationary!! ARRGGH) will go into KiwiSaver. The Government will also offer tax free employee contributions. This is essentially salary sacrifice like in Australia - basically if you earn 50k pa, and you put 5k into KiwiSaver, you will only be taxed on 45k of your earning. This is very common in Australia and actually effectively increases your net earnings.

So there we have it. NZ Institute's David Skilling recently said that savings and infrastructure need to be the two main government priorities and I would agree. This would definitely help with savings, but infrastructure... hmmm. Still this would be a start and I think would be overall a popular budget.

Vision

In what may sound like an oxymoron UK Labour have started a You Tube site called Labour:Vision.

Its an interesting tactic, Im not often convinced by these sorts of things, who other than junkie/geeks like myself watch these things?

Anyway its good to see parties trying things with the ol' interweb (the information superhighway).

Plus they also have their own tv set - which looks like TV One in 1987.

Back from the dead?

I know, I know Ive been quiet this week. Anyway I thought id share this fantastic spam I got today

George is back! my favourite line has to be that my email was "picked randomly by software powered by the Internet"

MICROSOFT INTERNATIONAL
2007 PROMOTIONAL PROGRAM
20 Howard Barking London,
7UA11G UNITED KINGDOM
REF: OYL /26510460037/02
BATCH: 24/00319/IPD

Dear Winner,
Your ticket number: 023-0148-790-459 with Serial number 5368/05 drew
the lucky number: 29

Congratulations!! you have just won yourself the sum of 'ONE
MILLION,FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND GREAT BRITAIN
POUNDS' in the satellite software email conducted by MICROSOFT
in which e-mail addresses are picked randomly by software powered by
the Internet. Your email address was amongst those chosen in this
quarter.

To file for your claim and more information on how you became a winner
of this sweeptake draw,do contact our claims agent:Mr.George Harrison
Contact Email: georgeharrison_2007@hotmail.com
Our special thanks and gratitude toBill Gate and his associates.
We wish you the best of luck.

Yours faithfully,

MRS: TESSY ANDERSON
MICROSOFT CYBER ANALYST
UNITED KINGDOM.

All gratitude to Bill Gate indeed!

PS Note its addressed - "Dear Winner" - they know, thats right baby im a winner!

May the 4th

May the 4th is of course International Star Wars Day (May the Fourth be with you - geddit? Oh forget it.... you people...)

Anyway make sure you make time to acknowledge the holy trilogy at some point today! Break out A New Hope, Empire, or Jedi - theyre always worth revisiting!

May the force be with you.

Sad Kermit

Some of you may have already seen (or heard) this, but I thought it was worth chucking up here in any case.

SadKermit.Com is a site set up by a Kermit the Frog impersonator who sings sad depressing songs - in Kermit's voice. Fantastic

The best two are Radiohead's Creep and Nine Inch Nails' song about heroin addiction, Hurt, which is probably more famous now for the incredibly haunting version done on Johnny Cash's last album. The version of Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah will have you wee-weeing yourself too.

Kermit singing Hurt
Kermit singing Creep
Kermit singing Hallelujah

There was apparently a Hurt video as well but the Jim Henson Workshop were a little dirty about their icon being associated with such a song, so thats been pulled.

Remarkable

Audrey Young said she was "flabergasted" at the turn of events today around the Anti-Smacking Bill - and I feel much the same.

But I think its a good flabergasted. Normally in ours and other Westminster style systems oppositions and governments often seem to oppose each other for the sake of it, rather than at least appearing to work towards what is best for the country.

Following discussions in Sydney at the Leadership Forum between Michael Cullen and National Leader John Key, the Prime Minister went to former PM and President of the Law Commission Sir Geoffrey Palmer to try to come up with some sort of middle ground that upholds the intent of the original bill, whilst recognising that it would be stupid if the law were to create a situation that led to tons of parents being prosecuted. Clark then got the Greens on board followed by United Future and most significantly National.

This was a welcome change of tack from the extreme positions that have dominated this debate thus far. While I admit it was odd seeing images of Helen Clark and John Key standing side-by-side announcing this, it was also somewhat exhilirating. Proving that actually yes, our politicians do have it in them to be constructive.

Often politics is more about different approaches to problems rather than solving different problems. I think we saw today that when people and parties realise they have the same goal, solutions can be found. Theres a lot to be said for locking people in a room and telling them to solve a problem!

This is a good day for politics.

Just plain mental

Tacked on the side of of Melbournes brand new tallest building the Eureka Sky Deck88 (what sort of name is that lol!) is a new attraction - The Edge

Its a three metre long glass box that hangs off the side of the building (pictured).

The best part of the media launch had to be the sound effects they included on the first extension of the box (it moves in and out) - they had cracking glass and groaning metal sounds playing in the box! If the media was anything like me - there would be quite a clean up required!

Story here

Best of the best

Last month the DomPost laid the smack down on some of Wellington's more hopeless property developers naming their top 10 worst Wellington buildings. I had a thing or tow to say about it here (as Im sure you will recall!).

Yesterday the Dom decided to be nice and did the top 10 best buildings.

And they were (not in any order)

Adam Art Gallery, Victoria University
Wakefield Appartments (that box on top an old building opposite New World)
Te Puni Kokiri (my favourite)
Futuna Chapel Karori
Freyberg Pool (has aged incredibly well!)
Hannah Playhouse (Downstage Theatre - agree externally, but the theatre itself has some awful sightlines)
Oriental Bay Changing Sheds and Toilets (These rule - and not that I normally hang out at public toilets at night, but with their lighting you should check them out at night - the kinda glow, would blow your mind if you were high!)
Conservation House (polar opposite of Environment House - a fantastic redvelopment of the old Mid City Cinemas into Wellington's most eco-friendly building)
Public Library and Civic Square
Westpac Stadium (agree actually has brought Wellington alive and while the design isnt that outrageous, it is difficult to imagine that structure anywhere else)

Other buildings that I thought could have been included
The Old Defence Headquarters on Stout St
Creative NZ (Old Public Trust Building)
The new and yes unfinished Meridian Energy Building
The Beehive, love it or hate it its iconic
Dixon St Housing NZ Flats - the ones that were made to look like a cruise chip, fantastic!

Virtual insanity

Well the State Virtual Cricket finished with the World Cup final on the weekend and it turns out that in the Virtual Sports world, I may have found my niche.

After all those years losing bets (I owe Nath roughly $300 - if he thinks im honouring those bets he can think again! lol) on the Virtual Rugby (Super 14 and NPC) Ive finally come through with a half decent result.

50th in New Zealand in the State Virtual Cricket, and frankly I owned Dinah and her shambolic selections.

Now while far less people play the Cricket than the Rugby - Im still pretty happy with the result. Not to mention the fact that this builds on the Football slaughtering of Angus "Mr Football" White last year! (had to get that in there)

PS. Yes, yes everyone is kicking my arse in the Virtual Rugby again.